Life.

Looking around I see a lot of things. It's amazing the things that can happen in someone's life that can change them forever. Around me I see my friends, my family and my not so distant future. I'm living in this illusion that things may stay the way they are forever, nice and peaceful, with the small problems I seem to face on a day to day basis. Alas, that is not true. I know that when my career is set, along the road in 10, 20 years from now, I don't think I'll be hanging around the same friends, which is reality. And I think I take comfort thinking now, that we'll still know each other as well as we do now in the future. I take comfort in blinding myself, and thinking this is the way it's going to be, just hanging around my friends, because that is what I love to do. So will I pass by any of you in the future, and think "hey! Thats that Girl/Guy that I used to hangout with when I was young!". Will I be able to say that I've left footprints in anybody's soul that they won't forget me? Have I made a difference in anybody else's life? And if I haven't, I don't see the purpose of life on earth. The one most important thing to me... are my friends. But what good is that, If I'll be forgotten soon? When everybody goes in their separate direction in life... which has already started to happen. It's just so easy to say "we'll stay friends, don't be stupid!" The very same phrase has been said to me not so long ago, and yet, there's people that live so close to me that I don't keep in touch with. That's another thing... if I haven't talked to someone in a really long time.. what do I say? "Hey, how's it going?! *good 10 minute silence* Alright then, talk to you later! Keep in touch!".
People should be able to make the effort to stay in contact... if they don't, what was the point of their friendship if they weren't willing to keep it? I mean, you don't get close to just anybody every day, so why do people drift so much as they do? I want to be able to say that I made a difference. Not in the world, in someone's life. I want someone to say "Yea, Paola, she made me into a better person" even if in 20 years we don't talk at all. I want to be that inspiration for something, anything, to know that I did something worth while for someone else. I want to be the person that helps people in their hour of need, do something extraordinary. But most of all, I would like to know that I did something great for someone else, without even realizing it.
But I dont see that type of influence in me, to change something, the slightest in each person that I know, and knew. I think THAT is what is worth living for. To never be forgotten. What's so good about a life if you can't leave your tracks into the people that you meet? Or do something good for others? I wouldn't want to die alone. I wouldn't want to die a nobody, or greatest fear of all, to be forgotten.

Random Post.

Today was pretty good. Nothing major to report. Went to work at a weird shift today. 1 to 5 at jeans experts. It went by really fast, i had a lot to do. I went to see lesley after work for a bit, then went to bramalea with pj, where i bought my oh so sweet purse that im in love with, and a new eyebrow barbell, because the one i had in was extremely massive. Im not that sleepy right now, so i guess this is what im doing to pass some time. Im going to York on thursday bright and early with my mom for my enrollment appointment. Im excited for it, somehow I know this is where i have to be. This is where i have to go, and im glad that the university that i wanted to go to is close by. So i gotta work tomorrow at sunrise 10-5, and i was supposed to work on thursday 10-1, but i told my boss i couldnt and that i was sorry.. i didnt want him to get upset at the whole last minute change. but he wasnt, and im relieved. Tomorrow i might go out with lesley after work, to our precious place called perks. It'll be fun to just talk about anything and everything. We're cool like that :p

anyway, i'll post some other time. Later.

Sly.

Well, I pulled it off. I succeeded in not letting anybody know that I've been depressed for a while now. Which isn't usually like me, but it's a lot better than all the questions that I would be getting.. The whole explaining process which would just get me even more depressed with having to think about it. But it's just so long before I let it show. Today was one of those days. Where I let it show as clear as ever. So many things bothering me. And usually I'd go about, not holding back and letting everybody know that something was bothering me. Lately, I just keep finding it a drag to have to explain my problems, and find that if I let it out... it's not helping me at all... because most of the people I know don't have these problems.. So if I explain it to people, how is that going to make me feel better? The problem is still there. As greatful as I am that I have people that will listen to me... sometimes I just don't see the point. SO... I've been told that if you go about your day smiling and trying to be happy that you will eventually feel better.. but I haven't. It's just a way of hiding something I found... that's all.
There's just something about having to tell other people what's wrong. It just doesn't help like before, or so I noticed. Most of what I feel now, is usually turned to sadness, so venting isn't needed as much. I usually just let it happen, and then sulk about it to myself.
UGH.. I don't even have the want to put my problems on here now. I want to... but then it's just like UGH having to think about them again. I'll just type the brief details.
1) I need a full time job. I have two jobs, and no hours, how the hell is that possible? And I've applied to so many places.. it's getting so hard and seems like someone's out to get me because I can't catch a break. What's university if I can't find a full time job to pay for some of it? 2) My dad spends money that he doesn't have... for things we don't need and things that are only for him, and that he'll eventually get bored of, and want to get something new, and more expensive. He complains ALL the time, and I don't know how to ignore it like I used to. 3) I see everybody else that has it easier than I do, and I shouldn't, but I hate it. If only I had the same opportunities, things would be so much better, so much stress relieving... and others just walk around, and seem like it's nothing. 4) to sum it up, it basically feels like I'm in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs... and nobody gives a crap. I'm broke, I pay for my own expenses, and I can't get a full time job for it, although I'm willing to put up with a lot of crap, I see my parents wasting money for something they don't need.. which to me.. is money that they could have helped me with university, or even a small family vacation, like Quebec or something. I always feel enclosed in this house whenever I come home. That's why I usually choose not to go home. There's absolutely nothing to do, and when there is, I usually can't do it because it's something that will probably piss my dad off. ALL I THINK ABOUT IS MONEY! whether it be that I have none.. or that I see that other's can spend it on themselves, or it being wasted, etc... I shouldn't have to think about these things. I shouldn't, but I do. I'll admit, I'm a pessimist. But to me, it's reality. There's no time to think about what may happen, there's no opportunites to think about what's to come. I have to live in the now, and do something about it to survive. And frankly... that's how it's always been.

*sigh* I need a getaway.. And fast. I need one big good thing to happen, or else... I don't know what kind of things I'll think of.
Desperate times calls for desperate measures. And my frustration is getting the better of me. I NEED a getaway. And FAST.

Attribute.

So... Went to work today 10 to 5. And it was pretty fun actually. Kind of long... and SO totally hoping that i would see PJ but alas... i didnt. (Le boohoo) BUUT on the good side of things i bought the My Chemical Romance cd (I brought you my bullets, You brought me your love). I really like it! and i also was able to steal the playcopy of Stereophonics, which i havent really gotten around to. Alex came by when i went on my break so we chilled for a while. We took the bus to his house, watched part of Star Wars II and then went to Big Al's Aquarium or something like that and i ended up buying a red beta fish and a HUGE snail!!!!! i love it!! I then went home.

I went on to the York website and made myself a York passport/email because my reference number is now my student number because im going to YORK!!!! :D:D:D:D. Also i received mail from them telling me that i got an entrance award of $400 which isnt that great.. BUT i didnt expect ANYTHING from them! SO YAY ME! i have to get my advising package (oh lesley.) and then go to my enrolement appointment a week later. Then we will see what happens after that.

Now for my main topic of this blog... its 4 days until PJ and I have been together for TWO years!! I could have never thought that I would be in a relationship for that long at my age.. but really it seems like A) we've been together forever and its just natural to be around each other all the time OR B) like two years felt like two months!!! as weird as that may seem. But i havent been this happy ever. I've never been this loved, even with my imperfections that seem to scream out at me and have someone not even notice what they are in the slightest. Without a doubt the most amazing thing thats happened to me.
We've come a long way... from well.. not liking eachother AT ALL.. more like I thought he was weird and didnt like him at all!... to getting to know each other forcefully because of school... to him being the funniest person EVER!... to us becoming best friends... then me chasing after his ass to try to get him to see that we should be dating.. which took me four months!... switching roles in depression stages... finally going out.. switching roles again and now just being immune to each other. works out nicely.

A life without love... is no life at all. So love entirely in your life... even if it doesnt work out, nothing should be regretted.

I wrote kind of like my own lyrics to a song thats inside my head...

(8)It seemed just like yesterday "its just a stupid crush" i said. Not knowing i'd end up falling through the floor for you. Whoever said love was easy, well lets just say that i thought otherwise. And I'll always remember how i begged you to never let anybody else hurt me... I didnt think you were serious when you agreed to it. But truth is on the bigger scale its been rainbows that lead the way, and faulty hearts that never really broke anymore. You showed me so much more than i thought possible.. and yet you still keep your word, you kept my heart under lock and key and never left it out of sight just to protect it. Its guys like you they all talk about in the movies, in books and fantasies. Well this isnt one of those fantasies this is as real as it could get and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm loving every minute of you... Thank you for loving me as completely as you do.(8)

I raise a glass to many more memories that make us laugh-cry and piss our pants... to fighting like cats and dogs because the make ups are so damn hot... (alright im getting a little personal here.) and to our stories that will go on for many years to come!

I L<3ve You!

Jimmy Eat World.

Jimmy Eat World. - Praise Chorus.

Are you gonna
Live your life wonderin’
Standing in the back
Lookin’ around?
Are you gonna
Waste your time
Thinkin' how you’ve grown up
Or how you missed out?
Things are never gonna
Be the way you want
Where's it gonna
Get you acting serious?
Things are never gonna
Be quite what you want
Or even at 25
You gotta start sometime
I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
Now all I need is just
To hear a song I know
I wanna always feel like
Part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
Are you gonna
Live your life
Standing in the back
Looking around?
Are you gonna waste your time?
Gotta make a move
Or you'll miss out
Someone's gonna ask you
What it’s all about
Stick around nostalgia
Won't let you down
Someone's gonna ask you
What it’s all about
Whatcha gonna have
To say for yourself?
I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
Now all I need is just
To hear a song I know
I wanna always feel like
Part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
Crimson and clover
Over and over
Crimson and clover
Over and over
Our house in the
Middle of the street
Why did we ever meet?
Started my rock 'n roll fantasy
Don't don't, don't let's start
Why did we ever part?
Kick start my rock 'n rollen heart
I’m on my feet
I’m on the floor
I’m good to go
So come on Davey
Sing me somethin’
That I know
I wanna always feel like
Part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight
Here tonight
I wanna always feel like
Part of this was mine
I wanna fall in love tonight