Probabilities.

I got up for work today... and today has kind of been brutal.
I dont know what the plan is for the week. Andrea is leaving soon, and i dont know when im going to see her because today i was supposed to go to PJ's house, but my mom is sick, and i dont want to leave her alone to do grocery shopping today.
I just read PJ's blog. and i was overwhelmed with the expressions and emotions that he put into it. And it makes me feel so much better when others actually understand my hurt. Understand where im coming from.
I think hes trying to be extra nice to me since what happened, to make my life easier. And i totally appreciate that <3.
nothing in particular is going through my head.
I got a letter from nipissing, for entrance awards and such.. but they didnt tell me whether i was accepted or not.
On another note. Lesley isnt coming to york, but i understand her reasoning. The only thing im afraid of is that we wont stay in touch although we'll say we will. That always tends to happen. *sigh* im still not use to lifes paths and life's trials and heartaches. I still think sometimes im living in a dream world where everybody can be together for as long as forever... thing is, i really have to snap back to reality and notice things wont be the same from now once compared to a year.. or two years... or even ten. So many things are going to change. And i know that im supposed to focus on the present and not so much the future.. but who can help it?
At the moment my world seems so topsy turvy, and usually i'd be able to depict where it will semi lead me to.. but now i cant. I have NO idea whats going to happen. In a way im excited for that, so then i have the opportunity to look forward to new challenges... and then again, maybe some of those challenges are going to be too hard to handle.
*sigh* SOO many things ahead... so many things i DONT know. Its actually scary, but at the same time exciting.

Heres to a whole new lifetime of challenges and probabilities.

AFI - This Time Imperfect.

I cannot leave here, I cannot stay,
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words, I find.
I'd show a smile, but i'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this, hurts me.

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave
Just like all I loved, I'm make-believe
Imagined heart, I disappear
Seems...no one will appear here and make me real

There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me

I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
I'd tell you that it haunts me,
(cuts through my day, and sinks into my dreams.)
You don't care that it haunts me.

Oh!!!,
There are no flowers, no, not this time
There will be no angels gracing the lines
Just these stark words I find
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak
I'd share with you could I only speak
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much this hurts me
Just how much you...

Silent tears.

Enough hurt to last for a lifetime, i'm building up my walls... I'm tuning out these voices, I won't even hear your calls. - Me.

My party went off to a great start... i loved everybody for even showing up. And those who couldnt and told me so, well i wasnt upset either.
It must have been one of the funnest dinners ive ever had. And i felt like a queen.
I didnt order much, but the food that i did order was really good.
I made my rounds, talking to people and thanking them that they came. I felt so loved!
We all took so many funny pictures together! SO fun!
we went to PJ's afterwards, and things were still so much fun. BUT.. sort of out of the blue, two people said they were going out for a coffee and that they would be back... they never really returned.
WOW have i never felt so much hurt in a lifetime...
I felt so many different emotions... i still feel them. I even woke up this morning and i said to myself.. wow.. what a horrible dream... then i came to grasp with reality.. and it hadnt been a dream... and the butterflies in my stomach and that huge lump in my throat began to bother me more than ever.
What did i do wrong? what did i do to deserve it? My best friend.., the one person that i thought would have been there through it all.. especially when i had mentioned to her the hell i was going through with all the invitations and rsvps, and the utter hurt i felt from other people, thought well at least i have her.
I didnt want to believe them. When everybody said they knew they werent coming back... something in the back of my mind kept thinking otherwise. "they'll be back... she wouldnt do that to me!"
But she did.
And as painful it is to admit, she's not my favourite person anymore, at least for the time being.
PJ and Lesley really went out of their way to do all this for me, and somehow i thought she would have been the one to do that instead, another thing i had to think about. But nonetheless i knew she didnt have that kind of time.
I told her all my problems with the party... and she was the one to walk out. and for what?
to go racing down the streets in their stupid cars and go eat at deny's because... apparently we didnt go to Jack Astors?!?!?!?! where they sell food? UGH
At least a phone call would have made me feel better.
Yea, you came back and everybody was sleeping.... a few hours too late. A few hours earlier and i wouldnt have been in that kind of pain. A couple of selfish hours...
I hope it was worth the escape. Which naturally led me to believe you didnt want to be with me on that one so important day, after not seeing you for about a month. that or the fact that you just werent having fun.
Where does it go from here? Im tired of stupid kid games. I JUST finished going through the whole "who are my real friends" stage a couple days before my party, and this had to happen.
what was she thinking? Even people that i havent really hung out with didnt leave.
No more relying on her i guess.
You never really know a person... thats exactly was i said on tuesday, and thats exactly what it proved.
You can go back to your university life. Im sure you'll make the friends there like you were friends with me, because for the moment, i dont really see it there.. i dont see where we stand. and thats the scariest thing ive felt in a while. As much as i dont want to feel it.. its there, in my gut.
Maybe i'll look back on this and think.. well what was i thinking? i knew we could get through anything!
Or i might look back and say i was right...
Oh God how i hope im wrong.
Lesley and PJ, thanks for being there for me for the past few weeks when i needed someone. And now that im needing someone the most... im kind of confused on who to go to. this was never a problem before. I knew exactly who to go to.
Sometimes when it hurts. it just really hurts.

Looks like its the trio again Les. This time i think its for good.

My Birthday

It's March 25th, and i am now 19 years old... where have the years gone? It seems like yesterday i was just 4 years old, and starting elementary school with all the other kids, scared and freightened to leave my moms side.

So here i am, all grown up and going to University to live my own life best as possible.
People called me today to say Happy Birthday, and many expressed it in their names, and told me over msn.. some sent me emails, and ecards. And for every single one of those... Thank you so much. Without you my day wouldnt have been complete. I didnt really ask for anything this birthday, except for silently wishing all my friends wouldnt forget to call, or tell me happy birthday, and they all did. They all took 2 minutes to tell me happy birthday, and that means the world to me.

This wont be forgotten. Not in one year.. not in two, not in 100. My fear of being alone has totally vanquished, and all thats left is feelings of love and comfort, and total faith and support.

Also my family, who has been there through everything, all though sometimes i'd really like to give them a piece of my mind!!! they are all so proud of me and of the person that ive become.

Its Good Friday today, and also a full moon, which is really rare... but i guess it was a joint day between me and Jesus... yea, we're buds, and we had some good laughs here and there. I even got his autograph... I should sell it on ebay. HAHAHA but i know God is watching over me, protecting me, encouraging me to be the best person that i can be.

Im so excited for tomorrow, for my birthday party...
A special thanks to PJ and Les who organized it all, love you guys to death.
Peej, you're my angel without wings. Les.. well you can be my irish drunken angel.

I will always remember March 25, 2005 as a day that ive come to realize that i have grown up, and those friends around me have be there to help me along the way.

Thank you all, i love you.
And i shall be back to tell glorious stories about tomorrows partay!

PEACE OUT BTOWN!

Venting.

Once again, venting on this blog.
well im going to start with my birthday. Poor les, who actually took the time to arrange things for me (thanks les i love you for it) sent out emails 2 weeks ago! TWO WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!! informing people about my birthday... and yet people are giving us this bullshit "i dont know" responses, and some just arent even replying.. thanks alot! thanks for the stupid consideration you people have. im really impressed. i mean, that gave them enough time to book the day off... NOT even the whole day.. just the night, or talk to their families because its easter. but no, why would they notice the hard work we're trying to do for MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont feel like caring anymore about it. I will go and have the best time of my life because its important to me.. and those of you who dont want to take a few hours out of your damn life to show that you appreciate your friends, i dont need you, i dont need ignorant selfish people in my life.
what a piss off.
another thing, my family was originally supposed to go out on friday, but they changed it to saturday, during the day to go to toronto, so we can spend more time and have fun and whatnot. but PJ cant come because of his easter thing. SOMEHOW it always works out that pj cant come to any of my family gatherings... SOMEHOW by some miracle or something other than human abilities, he almost can never come out with my family. and that really makes me upset and frustrated, because im ALWAYS with his family, i havent really missed any events.
While im on the venting rage, im going to bring up some other points too.
For those of you who didnt take a second to congratulate me for getting into university, you can go to hell, and i hope that you really know, that someday what goes around comes around. Every one of my friends knew how important it was for me, and not even taking a second to drop me a line to say congratulations... thats pretty damn low. so you know what, congratulations on being the most horrible friend in the entire world and you deserve to be alone for the rest of your life, and dont deserve any friends, because obviously you dont know how to keep them.
and as for this whole keeping in touch with people... okay i know you have a university life.. but that DOESNT mean that you cant make the effort to stay in touch with your old friends. and why should i only be the one to do so? to try to keep in contact? (for those that do keep in contact with me, this doesnt apply to you) seriously, this whole "im busy and have a lot of work" bullshit doesnt cut it, and if anybody tries to pull that off on me, totally lost my friendship.
If you cant make the effort to keep a friendship, theres no point in staying friends with me.. so you can go on a live your stupid dumb lives in university, that will only be there for a short amount of years... then come home and notice that all your friggin friends are gone cus you were a total ASSHOLE.
and the problem with that is that you're too damn full of yourselves. i mean... you come online, and you pretend like you dont see others online (again, those that do talk to me on occasion and hang out with me, this doesnt apply to you).. i mean DONT tell me you didnt have the time.. because obviously you did have the time to go on msn and do fuck all.
Dont expect me to take interest in your life, if you dont take interest in mine. thats just the it goes now. im making my own rules, whether anybody likes it or not.
sick of this shit. So for those that dont keep in touch, im looking forward to moving on in my life and COMPLETELY forgetting about you and everything that you stand for.
thanks for nothing and a few good years leading to a ending friendship.
i'll be ecstatic to keep in touch with you, once you put the same effort back. Other than that... bluntly said.. go fuck yourself.
i feel better now.. and for once, thats all i care about. No holding back.. no regrets.
so.. my real friends.. see you this saturday, and i love you to death.
-out.

Breathe.

Today was a genuinely good day! Went to work... although i was an hour late because i thought i started at 12 instead of 11. The day went on okay, nothing big happened at Sunrise. After work, I went to PJ's to chill out for a while, and Lesley and Geordie came over as well, so we had a blast.
We started reminissing about old stuff, and listening to oldies on the computer. We also had some quite good conversations.

We also played madgab, which is always the funniest game ever played in the history of mankind... especially when we're drunk.

Something cool today was that i got a ring tune for my phone, the coolest of them all.. FUNKYTOWN! Thanks to les!

PJ was being a meanie today... not purposeful, but he still doesnt know his own strength, so his play fighting actually really hurt me today... but lesley and i have a moto: all guys are girls.

after madgab, we got bored and tried to answer questions from this trivia game... but we needed an IQ of like 548575996558445854475 to answer the questions.... so that didnt work out as planned.

we watched a movie, then afterwards, we went home.
that was my day.

well i dont really have anything else to say really, so i'll write some other time.

Accepted.

I couldn't sleep today, so i went online as usual, browsing through my sites, and playing on pogo.com. I decided to go check out my York file, to see if i had gotten accepted to the university... i check it almost everyday. Usually when i checked it, it said No Decision. So what was so unusual about today? I expected that it would say that again, just like the other days..

When i logged on... i froze... i couldnt believe it. Right before my eyes, i read "admitted"
And how the tears of joy began to form.

I quickly went into my mom's room to wake her up.. it was currently 1:10 am in the morning. Tiredly, she lifted her eyes, to know what the matter was.. and as i mentioned to her that i was accepted... she was so excited, and happy for me. She thanked me that i woke her up to tell her the news.

What a weight off of my shoulders. I am accepted... the starting of my life is about to begin in a few months.. and who knows where it will lead me. Im so excited to start the trials, and hard efforts, that in the end are so well earned and accomplished for.

Thank You God.
I did it. I got in. All i was ever afraid of.. and i got passed it.

My journey begins.
With eyes wide open.

My dear friend.

Another day at work today. I came home and had dinner with my family, then quietly fell asleep, not knowing the events that were to befall on me. I had the worst nightmare i had ever dreamt. and im afraid that if i repeat it once more tonight, i'll stay terrified and unable to sleep.

How can the human mind contain such horrible imagination when i myself would never have thought of when i am awake? Is that really me thinking those horrible things? Makes me think that I too, am just as capable of turning mentally ill, just like those people on the streets that are wanted for murder.

I woke up with tears, almost asking why do i have to dream all these nightmares. There must be some hidden reason... and my mission is to find that out.

Alex's grandfather just passed away, and i can sympathize because i have gone through the same thing with a family member, except we didnt have the money to fly over there for the funeral to say my last goodbyes.

So alex, i know you read this.

Right when you feel you are at your lowest
And you start to think that even though others have gone through the same thing
that nobody understands anyway.
but what you must remember when you are as low as you think you are
take a moment to look upwards and you will find
a hand reaching out for you, a loving kind.

Everything is considered energy, even you, and myself.
And on those particular days, you'll walk around outside, and notice
theres a certain kind of feeling that you feel inside.
The beauty is the sun's shining brighter than usual, and you are not alone.

For if everything is energy, he is probably still around you, trying to tell you not to worry
and that you should not shed tears for him, because im sure he's led a good life.

So when you feel the sun going strong on you, and you feel a bit of a push from the fresh breeze, just remember.
that he loves you more than you can imagine.

Remember also... if believing that he is still around in energy wise can cause comfort to your pain, then there's no reason why you shouldnt.

So try to think that although he is physically gone, he will live on, in your memories, and in your thoughts.

Hang in there buddy.