shit

So its 5 am and i cant sleep.. so much is running through my mind right now... I seem to be so stressed out today that i cant choke back the tears. So much has happened in one day, and even more so in one week, its amazing how that can be the case.

I bought my new laptop today, and im in love with it... i think thats the only good thing for the day, a huge GOOD thing to balance my stream of horrible events.

So ive realized something. I cant bear to be without him. time apart is so good for us, yet, horrible timing when im so stressed out. I have two tests next week which have been on my mind for about 2 weeks. I need to do well, this is the last month of school so to say, and i need to push myself.

I feel so alone right now, i feel so lost, so disoriented. I got so upset when my msn kept on disconnecting me... ONLY AT THE MOMENT when i had the chance to talk to him for 10 minutes... how does that work? as if i wasnt allowed to talk to him or something, give myself some piece of mind. I dont know why, i just got so unbelievably upset, i couldnt say goodnight to him, which would have made me go to bed peacefully.

My friend needed my help today, and i didnt know what to do... he wanted to kill himself, and what do i say when someone tells me that? and the circumstances were horrible... i couldnt call him to ask him if he was okay, i didnt know, i couldnt tell. and the stress kept building... it didnt stop, it grew... like bacteria, the sort of bacteria that destroys you slowly and you dont even realize it until its taken its toll. I dont know... i tried my best to let him know what anybody should know if they felt the way he did... alone, and rejected.

and im so stressed out because im tired of meeting people, and trusting them, letting them into my bubble, and then completely destroying anything relevant to me, whether it be my friendship, my trust, or the way it could affect your surroundings of friends, or environment of the way you see people. When will people grow up? when will they learn priorities? when will they realize that you cant just do whatever it is you want to, and throw people around to your fucking damn convenience. Why do people like you exist? what good do you do in this world when all you know what to do is push everyone aside when you are done with them?... that doesnt seem fair... not for one second, not for a lifetime. And its true what they say, how you can be in a crowd of a million people that you know.. and still feel so fucking alone. Thats the saddest shit ive ever heard, and it happens... all the time.

And for these reasons, i always shut myself out, of meeting anybody, shut myself out of the environment.. because of people like you who think its alright to penalize everyone else for "neglecting" friends.. then you turn around and do it yourself 100 fold. Well a lesson learned... i dont need you, i will never need you, or anybody REMOTELY similar to any fraction of what you are. So GOOD RIDDANCE, and FUCK OFF!

I hate for what people can do to you... leave such a whole left uncovered, leave their imprint like a logo on a piece of fabric, and never being able to wash it out.. just permanent. Then what? they turn around and leave? what if that happens all the time... pesimistic? no... i call it realistic. 8 times out of 10 they stab you in the back, and most of those even stab you when you ARE looking.

Karma is the only thing i can believe in so that i dont have to take matters into my own hands and do things that i might regret. i like the idea that a superior being or entity will take care of my revenge for me... and even if thats not true, i like to believe in it so that i may stay sane. 90% of our communication is body language, so i got your message, and it clearly tries to hide back the almost invisible "FUCK OFF" sign on your forehead.

*sigh* sometimes all you need is to be on your own, that way you dont have to worry about complications, when theres nothing to complicate. doesnt life just make things exciting when it grabs you by the balls.