Where is life leading?

So I have good news, and bad.. but overall, my life seems to be in place.

I went to my biology advisor, and she made me realize exactly what i want to do, and where i want to go in life.. I dont like psychology as much as i thought i would... So im becoming a medical laboratory technician.

Im getting my BSc in Biology, which will take 3 years, but maybe one more considering that first year was dedicated to another major. Then i plan to go to college for 2 years, to do hands on training. Im so excited that i know now, what it is i want to do... i couldnt sleep for a while, and i kept denying to myself, the fact, or possibility that i didnt like psych... but i didnt want to lose control of my life, i wanted to know where i was going at all times... but it happens, getting lost certainly does happen.

My advisor showed me sooooo many cool things that i can do with Bio, so many different courses that i can take in bio, like Virology, or hemotology, or microbiology... wow... im really excited. IM SO GLAD that i took gr 12 bio.. because in all honesty, i wasnt going to, i just thought i would take it for the hell of it.. and if in case i needed it, which i never thought i would, then i could use it.. YAY FOR ME!

So i think its settled to move into the apartment. Im going to be so homesick, its not even funny. I mean, i love my mom, where would i be without her? and not living with her anymore, is going to take its toll.

Im in the process of getting a car... although my friends car that i was supposed to buy, needs a lot of repairs, so i made the calculations, and its going to be quite expensive. So my dad is still helping me look for another car, cheaper price with less things to fix.. i have my eyes set on a dodge neon.. just because i love the way they ride, not too sensitive, and a bit sportsy, its a low rider, and all around pretty decent car! we'll see what happens, i musnt get my hopes up.

Im going for my G2 soon, i called my instructor and i told him to book it with one to two weeks, so thats what hes gonna do... im nervous, but i know i will do fine.

My birthday is this saturday, and like usual, PJ and Lesley, the loves of my life are planning a get together for me, they are so incredibly thoughtful... I absolutely love them.

IM TURNING 19 AGAIN!..YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im legal .. once more.
hahhaha

anyway im going to sleep, i have a minor case of le insomnia... oh man, i need to take something for it. soon!

Unfair.

... SO talk about a weird turn of events... also, quite unfair. I was all ready to sign the rent form and everything, but she convinced me to just look at one more apartment. So it was set, and i was to meet her after school.

Then she comes out with something like someone else is going to live with us, we arent getting that basement apartment, and we are living in the most dangerous area of toronto... What the fuck happened?

Im so furious! i wouldnt have done anything of the sort without consulting her first!!!! so this other roomate comes to look at all these apartments, and decides she wants the biggest of the rooms... like who are you to think you can just barge in and do whatever it is you feel like doing? ruining all my own plans... i dont even know her really, i only met her a few times...

so now i dont know what choices i have left, other than stay home next year which is balls, or move out on my own, but if i did that, at least i'd be happy, and i wouldnt have any conflicts. And i wouldnt have to sacrifice being uncomfortable living with someone that i dont know...

and not only that, this roomate tells me that she likes to leave her shit around the place, and is a loud drunk, likes to get drunk twice a week.... so i was like what the fuck, do you expect me to live with that? thats so opposite of me.. i cant do that.

UGHHHH im so mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! thats so not cool, and so unfair!! WHY DONT I JUST INVITE ANYONE I FUCKING PLEASE? would that make any sense? it doesnt matter right? cus obviously only her judgement is what matters. My opinion doesnt count in this situation... well she's dug quite the whole for herself, and she can fix it.

*sigh* so unfair. thats all i have to say.

I dont believe in luck, i believe in fate.

My time away from him has made me ponder about so many things, about everything, and just about anything. There's so many things that i dont say to you at the moment, that i think of after i have had the opportunity to. And i think of so many things to tell you, but by the time i get the chance to, i keep on forgetting. So im going to say them on here...

There's so many things that i absolutely love about you that i dont tell you often enough, but dont you worry, in time i'll be able to tell you this everyday and every time i talk to you.

I love how you pay so much attention to me, something i dont ever have to ask for, its just given to me. And I love how you make me food when im hungry at your house, or grab me a drink when im thirsty... or even when im not thirsty at all, you just do it out of curtesy, like always. I absolutely adore the way you look over at me sometimes, and give me that wink of yours, the one that always screams out "you're my everything" especially when we're with our friends, and i'm a couple feet away. ALTHOUGH i dislike when you are beside me and want to tell me something, you start poking at me, and continually do so, even after you have my complete and undivided attention... i still think its great, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

I know the way you laugh, and i love how every time you do, you turn to me as if to say "did you just see that? thats the funniest shit ever" or how you even laugh, when the joke's not even funny... still I MYSELF laugh, because you are contagious... I love it. i can replay the sound of your laugh, or your voice, any time i want to.

I can tell when you arent telling the truth, you dont lie to me, but im talking about those moments where i'll ask a question such as "did you just sit on my purse?" which you did cus i could see it underneath you... "no, its right there! i didnt sit on it look!" your eyes go side to side to avoid contact, and you lose your train of thought and look like you dont know what to say... wow, i know every aspect of you. Yet everyday its always something different about you that makes me love you even more. Everybody changes, even slightly, and you can never fully know a person, and thats why i love being with you... although i know your every next move, or exactly what you'll say, its yet so different every time.

I know the way you eat, or drink, i know exactly the movements you do when you have to stretch... or how you get those puppy eyes when you're stomach starts to bother you, and you curl up into a ball and start to groan about it. Every time that happens i wish for your pain to go away, i just dont tell you.

I know all your favourite movies, your favourite foods, drinks, and alcoholic beverages. I know your favourite hobbies, what books interest you, your style in clothing, your shows, your fast food restaurant, the colours you like, your favourite music... i know. And i love it how if any one of our friends needs to know something about you... they can come to me and ask. I love our inside jokes that nobody else knows about, the ones in public especially, the way we turn towards each other and burst out in a histerical laugh and everyone around us seems so confused. I love your sense of humour, you're always good for a laugh... trust me, i still laugh at EVERYTHING you say... i just do it when you dont pay attention.

You sing off key... to be honest... but i love it anyway, i dont pay attention to the singing, just the expressions on your face, the happy careless ones that make everything okay.

And you are soooo incredibly clumsy!! and always end up hurting me, but not on purpose of course... but you're MY clumsy love, and its okay cus you get frustrated enough with your own self that i dont need to be with you really... i just like to overexaggerate.

I love how i can be your teddy bear at night. Your natural tendency to turn towards me and grab onto me extremely tight without you being aware of it. It makes me feel euphoric. You make me feel in a complete state of euphoria, i just dont tell you, and im sorry that i havent.

I can call you at any moment of the day, even if its 3am, and tell you just about anything, and you wouldnt get mad that id call you so late... you wouldnt get mad even if i just called and said that i just wanted to hear your voice, although i never have called you at 3am, i know you too well, and you wouldnt care, you'd be happy that you're talking to me, even if i was with you a couple hours before.

I love how you are so intelligent, how i always have something to learn from you, how you know so much more than the average person at age 19, although you probably wouldnt agree, but thats because you're modest. You know so much about things that i wouldnt have taken an interest if it werent for you bringing them up!

And your hugs... my security blanket, my shelter from everything bad that could have happened that day, or even for the entire month, could simply be pushed aside, and total relaxation takes control, pure, and complete oneness with you, another state of mind.

"how do you feel?" "safe. When im with you i feel so safe" - Garden State.

And your kisses? lets just say im more than happy that there's an endless supply of those.

where would i be without your support? the way you always have the right things to say to make me feel better about any decision i have to make, without you to tell me all those things, i dont know if i'd make it through another day staying sane. So thank you in advance, and please dont stop supporting me, it means the world.

and i know how you usually dont like to talk about the future, and that there's no need to anyway, because we should be living in the moment... but i cant help it, when im lying next to you, and i see you stare off into space, when you dont know that im looking at you... I see you're thinking about something, and i pay attention to every detail, every beautiful contour of your face, and your really really cute curls, i cant help but think "i would spend the rest of my life here with you in this moment" absorbing the positive energy in the air, creating a world of happiness for the time being. I just adore you, 100%... and i always will.

I'm sorry i never told you all this often enough, but that will change.
So i raise up my glass and toast to many years of spontineity, of happy laughs, and emotional cries, of random moments, of late nights watching movies, of affection, and growing in every experience that we had, and will have... all this, i wouldnt have chosen anybody else to go through it other than you.

My love, my world, my angel without wings. All this for you.
<3

shit

So its 5 am and i cant sleep.. so much is running through my mind right now... I seem to be so stressed out today that i cant choke back the tears. So much has happened in one day, and even more so in one week, its amazing how that can be the case.

I bought my new laptop today, and im in love with it... i think thats the only good thing for the day, a huge GOOD thing to balance my stream of horrible events.

So ive realized something. I cant bear to be without him. time apart is so good for us, yet, horrible timing when im so stressed out. I have two tests next week which have been on my mind for about 2 weeks. I need to do well, this is the last month of school so to say, and i need to push myself.

I feel so alone right now, i feel so lost, so disoriented. I got so upset when my msn kept on disconnecting me... ONLY AT THE MOMENT when i had the chance to talk to him for 10 minutes... how does that work? as if i wasnt allowed to talk to him or something, give myself some piece of mind. I dont know why, i just got so unbelievably upset, i couldnt say goodnight to him, which would have made me go to bed peacefully.

My friend needed my help today, and i didnt know what to do... he wanted to kill himself, and what do i say when someone tells me that? and the circumstances were horrible... i couldnt call him to ask him if he was okay, i didnt know, i couldnt tell. and the stress kept building... it didnt stop, it grew... like bacteria, the sort of bacteria that destroys you slowly and you dont even realize it until its taken its toll. I dont know... i tried my best to let him know what anybody should know if they felt the way he did... alone, and rejected.

and im so stressed out because im tired of meeting people, and trusting them, letting them into my bubble, and then completely destroying anything relevant to me, whether it be my friendship, my trust, or the way it could affect your surroundings of friends, or environment of the way you see people. When will people grow up? when will they learn priorities? when will they realize that you cant just do whatever it is you want to, and throw people around to your fucking damn convenience. Why do people like you exist? what good do you do in this world when all you know what to do is push everyone aside when you are done with them?... that doesnt seem fair... not for one second, not for a lifetime. And its true what they say, how you can be in a crowd of a million people that you know.. and still feel so fucking alone. Thats the saddest shit ive ever heard, and it happens... all the time.

And for these reasons, i always shut myself out, of meeting anybody, shut myself out of the environment.. because of people like you who think its alright to penalize everyone else for "neglecting" friends.. then you turn around and do it yourself 100 fold. Well a lesson learned... i dont need you, i will never need you, or anybody REMOTELY similar to any fraction of what you are. So GOOD RIDDANCE, and FUCK OFF!

I hate for what people can do to you... leave such a whole left uncovered, leave their imprint like a logo on a piece of fabric, and never being able to wash it out.. just permanent. Then what? they turn around and leave? what if that happens all the time... pesimistic? no... i call it realistic. 8 times out of 10 they stab you in the back, and most of those even stab you when you ARE looking.

Karma is the only thing i can believe in so that i dont have to take matters into my own hands and do things that i might regret. i like the idea that a superior being or entity will take care of my revenge for me... and even if thats not true, i like to believe in it so that i may stay sane. 90% of our communication is body language, so i got your message, and it clearly tries to hide back the almost invisible "FUCK OFF" sign on your forehead.

*sigh* sometimes all you need is to be on your own, that way you dont have to worry about complications, when theres nothing to complicate. doesnt life just make things exciting when it grabs you by the balls.

Tough.

Wow. What a year we're having. Its getting pretty cold outside now a days, but welcome to Canada, thats no surprise! Schools a lot tougher than I really expected, and I'm struggling to do well, and sometimes I do, and sometimes I dont, but I guess that's to be expected in University. It's the stress that gets to me the most, but I mean, you have to learn how to deal with it, if you dont, how will you deal with the rest of life's problems? You cant just run away from everything now can you? There's so much thats happened since the last time I wrote an entry in my blog, but right now isn't the greatest time to explain everything, considering I should go to sleep soon, I'm pretty sick today.
I will write soon, and by soon I mean probably around the christmas break... lol.
Tootles!

Cauterize - Taste of Tears

Standing on my doorstep in the rain.
Make up running down your face.
You look so good right now.
It's bittersweet that you run to me.
I need you, I bleed you, I would give up breathing for you,
if you would take my breath and hold it in.
I need to be inside of you.

Show me where it hurts.
Show me what love's done to you.
Don't try to move, you'll only make it worse than it is already.
You had to be so strong and I had to be so useless.
I'm always fuckin' useless, useless without you.

Tears ran down your face like rain on the window you were looking out.
What were you looking for?
I won't ask tonight.
I need this, just one kiss, a gentle touch, your sweet caress.
My heart will break my ribs if I hold this in.
I must confess.

I hate myself for needing this.
I love our twisted little mess.
I know it's wrong but it just feels right.
The taste of tears is bittersweet tonight.

I'm scared as hell.
It's about time that I tell you all the things that you should know.
All the things I'm too scared to show.
I need you, I bleed you, I would give up breathing for you,
if you would take my breath and hold it in.

Horror of a day.

Today takes the award for the crappiest day, and the "everyone being a giant ASSHOLE" award... Why does it have to seem like such a mutual thing between everybody? "hi, im an asshole" "What a coincidence!! Im a bigger one!" "Lets be friends, and be assholes to everybody else!"
UGH!
First things first...
Work: Yes I am making a lot of money of which I cannot touch because alas it is for school loans already... BUT with EVERY job comes its piles and piles of complications, and not to mention, common idiots.
So this guy, this "Obaid" is what he is called, is the one that I mainly do work for, since he desperately cannot do anything by himself. Decides that I cant use his desk phone to make phone calls for another worker who was trying to get people to come in for overtime that night, because it is a disturbance to him (that spells asshole) ALSO, the predicament, is that i needed a computer to access these phone numbers, but NOWHERE could i find a computer BESIDE a phone like normal office jobs.. so he leads me to a desk with a phone, KNOWING theres no computer, also knowing that it WOULDNT help me very much, but of course, he doesnt care, cus he's "Obaid"
So after about an hour, i finally settled myself down at a desk, and a nice coworker printed up the phone numbers for me... 3:45 comes along, and im supposed to leave in 15 minutes, i still have a mere 50 people to call!!!!!!!! and so we call up this fellow who had asked me the favour to call others, and we ask if there is anybody else that would be able to take over at 4 because i had to go.. his response? "No, theres nobody else... IM BUSY!" so.. frustrated, my coworker then helps me to call others, and 4 o'clock comes trolling along... HOME TIME! so we call this fellow again, and the same response from him except THIS time he says it as if its MY fault, and MY responsibility!!!.. so i was stuck there, until 4:45 pm making phone calls.
so that was crappy day number ONE... today... I go to work, im in a happy mood.. until "Obaid" decides that my desk is too close to the file cabinet behind me, because he doesnt have enough room to ROLL AROUND in his CHAIR, instead of getting up like any slightly normal human being and getting a file that is needed.. be believes strongly, like his religion, that he should be intitled to everything and anything possible when he sees fit.
So.. he says to me he says... "I need a favour.. Move your desk around to the other side" WHAT THE HELL?! so i ask him WHY! and hes like "You're in the way of the filing cabinets"... BULLSHIT he just wanted to roll in his chair that ass!
So im Extremely frustrated nonetheless i keep doing my work to keep me preoccupied and calmed down.
THEN he rolls to the cabinet, pulls open a drawer, and at the exact moment that he is looking through it, he says "do you know if there is a sara blah blah? in here?... find it for me" so i was shocked and appauled.. because really you are clearly as close as you can ever be to the filing cabinet!!!!!!
So i walked over gazed onto the drawer... and said NOPE its not here.. and went back to my desk.
so i left work at 3:30 because i had a doctors appointment at 4:30, and the bus took forever to get there!! not only that, the bus stopped right before the bus downtown terminal where i could catch the number 2 on main... so i ask the bus driver if i could get out to catch the two which was about to leave.
he says to me he says "No. You have to wait until we get to the terminal" and i said "WHAT? its RIGHT there!!!!!!! will it still be there when i get off then?" he says "No, probably not"... so then i gave him a weird look and i said "then can i get off?!?!" he still says "No. You'll have to wait for the next bus" BUT IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY EYES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what a total jackass. Seriously people need to not be stupid idiots that try to ruin other peoples days just because they are stupid enough to hate their lives. ITS NOT MY FAULT you have a shitty shitty life, and i shouldnt pay the consequences for your decisions that have been made in your past!
UGH
but things were okay once i got to my OTHER work that i started at 6. I began to lighten up as i always end up doing, and PJ bought be a really cool jacket that my friend Tammy will alter and its going to look really hot.
anyway til next time join me in another obstacle/adventure.