Vent.

How does one question turn out to be a giant conversation that leads to a whole other extreme category that leaves me more frustrated and teary eyed than when i started? when i started i wasnt even those things, it was just a comfort question, that leaded into a bunch of randomness that i DID understand but got so confused with afterward? And how do i go about explaining myself? One person may say something with their own innocent intentions, yet my perspective ends up being as if their way of wording things is so abrupt? Im SURE that whoever reads this wont understand a word im saying, as usual, or so ive come to understand, that im some lost soul who doesnt interpret anything the way im supposed to, or the way they have meant me to interpret things. And why is everything such a GIANT cycle? ONE STUPID cycle that i always seem to place myself in and never seem to be able to get the f*ck out!

and im sure there will be some people who will take this blog offensively, but there are no other ways to express my feelings without having anybody understand them.
And why is it that the moment that i need someone to stay with me the most, i end up talking to myself? like im doing now. And the last sentence alone will surely arise a million frustrations and other questions into some people that might read this.
That, i believe is my problem... yes i have a problem, i have many, among other things.. and one of them, is that i dont feel understood... and in return, i do not express.. and when i rarely do.. nobody understands even more, because i just get them even confused about where this is all coming from anyway! if i only had a clone, im sure my clone would know exactly what im talking about, even though the things that come out of my mouth are sometimes gibberish. *sigh* but i thought people could understand, even through my gibberish, that when i make the least sense that SOMEONE would be still able to understand, at least through a process of elimination.
Am i really that complex? I rather keep my thoughts to myself, or my "world" to myself, if nobody is going to understand it, or let alone give me the impression that they dont, when they actually might. Kind of funny in a bizzarre sort of way... that if i reveal my "world" im talking gibberish, and most likely put myself in a pit hole, because i feel that others cant understand me, but if i dont reveal it, others get offended... what am i supposed to do? its such a tug of war with myself, and others in the sense of understanding myself. IF i dont understand myself, or know how to explain myself, and dont say anything because i know that if i do say something and the response is that i cant explain so they wont understand that i'll get frustrated at myself for even bringing it up, how is there a way out of it? because if i dont say something, im still getting others upset, or frustrated, as if they havent done their "duty"... but i havent even done mine, to understand myself.
And lately when there IS something wrong, im so afraid to bring it up for the sake of non arguments! because if i DO bring it up and again... try to explain myself and when i dont explain myself properly it usually leads to arguments.. and another few days of silence between people, maybe even a week, like last time... so if arguments happen everytime i try to bring something up that bothers me, why would i be crazy enough to keep bringing them up? to keep bringing up "whats wrongs" and whatnot? IM SO TIRED OF ARGUING!! and nobody should blame me! and i dont blame myself for not bringing up subjects worth talking about, that need attention to, at least things that i believe need attention and should be broughten up. but yet again, im a crazy b*tch who doesnt make any sense at all, and by the end of this blog, im sure a few people will give me the cold shoulder.. or at least give me the cold shoulder for assuming they would give me a cold shoulder. Im tired of not venting, of keeping things to myself all the time.. oh but "why dont you just tell me then?" anybody would say.. well BECAUSE I PROBABLY DONT MAKE ANY SENSE TO YOU! and end up getting frustrated! Im not expecting anybody to support me on this blog, for i know that i'll be getting the crazy looks this time.
Straight from the mind of Paola.

*sigh* enough venting.. looks like im repeating myself in a giant cycle...... oh how that doesnt surprise me at all.

Liquour at its finest!

WOW, let me say, what a pretty neat job i got!!! The agency Sterling, called sara yesterday to say that they had a position for her and her friend... which is me, and this place called G.O.A. Freight Inc.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MUCH ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!! its basically a warehouse.. FULL OF ALCOHOL!!
every single alcohol imaginable! wines galore, rum, vodka, gin, beer, coolers, champagne.. and let me tell you EXPENSIVE stuff! like $80 a bottle... and what is my job? I HAVE TO SMASH THEM! basically LCBO receives shipments of alcohol, and if they find one bottle damaged in the box, they return the whole box, so we have to separate the good ones from the bad.. but the this company being "bad" means labels not looking nice, of if theres a small scrape in the lid.. so we have to then smash bottles with a hammer!

we smashed 23 bottles of smirnoff today, and i almost died... i snuck in to taste some mandarin italian alcohol.. it was pretty damn good. it was going to be smashed anyway!!! but we arent allowed to take any home and whatnot.
we smashed some johnny walker, some coconut rum.. the good stuff!!!.. we all died for a second!! then came back to life when we had to get a whole other box full of the next alcohol fix!

we had done such a good job today, managing to get through about 10 skids.. when yesterday they only went through 3 with these other non speaking english people that soon got fired cus they couldnt do monkey work! So we got called back to come for the rest of the week, and next week too!!
im quite happy about it.. it was only me, sara, genine, and louise working there.. and boy we got comfortable with eachother FAST!! cracking jokes about each other and what not...

all i have to say is that im glad i finally got a job! and im looking forward to it!

Strange.

The weirdest things happened to me in my dreams... so strange, the moment i woke up, i thought i was still dreaming.
And there's something missing in my life, and im not quite sure what it is. It almost feels like im losing myself again... trying to figure out who i am, what i'm like, etc.
Im getting tired of my piercings... maybe it was just a phase, maybe im ready to get over it... or maybe im just confused?
It almost feels like im ready to move on, on a smaller scale. Everyday im feeling less significant, like theres something i should be doing, for the better good of all people around me. I guess when you're trying to find yourself, you never really can explain whats going on in your head.. somethings missing... and thats all i can really describe. Because if i COULD describe it, then i wouldnt have a problem, i would already KNOW what was missing.
Starting to feel a gap somewhere, something that i've probably missed along the way. I honestly feel that when a person feels this way, they've missed an opportunity along the way that they didnt notice, and now their subconcious is bothering them, kind of like saying you did the wrong move... the wrong choice.
And I'll continue along, trying to satisfy this big gaping hole that i cannot seem to fill. Going through every aspect of my life, trying to see what piece of the puzzle fits, and coming up with nothing at all.
Whats hardest is that the people closest to me would usually be able to fill gaps in my life, but this time, im not so sure. I dont even know what im looking for, or where to start. This sort of emptiness reminds me of someone who screams at the top of their lungs, and yet nobody turns to look up.
Its amazing how you can stand in a crowded room, and yet, still feel so alone. Another strange thing is you can ask me a moral question about myself, or any question that relates to "what would you do in this situation" and i wouldnt be able to answer it, as if im changing in some sort of way, but i cannot put my finger on it.

Anyway, enough contemplating for tonight.
I hope i find this certain something soon.

Inspiration.

Counting Crows - Round Here

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog
Where no one notices the contrast of white on white
And in between the moon and you the angels get a better view
Of the crumbling difference between wrong and right
I walk in the air between the rain through myself and back again
Where? I don’t know
Maria says she’s dying through the door I hear her crying
Why? I don’t know

Round here we always stand up straight
Round here something radiates

Maria came from nashville with a suitcase in her hand
She said she’d like to meet a boy who looks like elvis
She walks along the edge of where the ocean meets the land
Just like she’s walking on a wire in the circus
She parks her car outside of my house
Takes her clothes off
Says she’s close to understanding jesus
She knows she’s more than just a little misunderstood
She has trouble acting normal when she’s nervous

Round here we’re carving out our names
Round here we all look the same
Round here we talk just like lions
But we sacrifice like lambs
Round here she’s slipping through my hands

Sleeping children better run like the wind
Out of the lightning dream
Mama’s little baby better get herself in
Out of the lightning

She says it’s only in my head
She says shhh I know it’s only in my head
But the girl on car in the parking lot says
’man you should try to take a shot
Can’t you see my walls are crumbling? ’
Then she looks up at the building and says she’s thinking of jumping
She says she’s tired of life she must be tired of something

Round here she’s always on my mind
Round here hey man got lots of time
Round here we’re never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait
Round here we stay up very, very, very, very late
I can’t see nothing, nothing round here
Catch me if I’m falling

Whoa.

Absolute and utter just...whoa... How i too, amungst millions envy Matt, from www.wherethehellismatt.com.
Just looking at his pictures from his jounral entries from other places around the globe... theres so much to see, theres so much more than just the life im living. And what would be better, is if i could do the same thing.. but with a few friends! take a year off.. and for that entire year, visit one country per week. that would be 52 countries... BUT MAN would that be expensive! Anyway, it just really got to me... we are here, trying to get an education, trying to abide by societies will for us or else we wont live the way we want to, and then theres someone like matt, who quite his job in 2003 to go around the world. The possibilities, and the amount of things that you can learn from that is beyond booksmart.

One day.. oh one day it will happen.

University here I come.

I received an email from the OUAC, saying that they have received my marks, and they are now processing them to see if i am accepted or not... my stomach turned... i didnt even know my final marks.. so i went to the OUAC website and found out my final marks.. and boy i was glad.. none of my marks had gone down after exams.. in yearbook i went up one, and Challenge of change, i stayed the same. So i added my marks up to see what average i currently have.. and i concluded that if i had ONE percent higher in ANY course.. my average could have been an 80 on the dot. but its actually 79.8.... and it breaks my heart! SOOOO CLOSE!!!!! the entry scholarships wont consider me... so there goes that chance. and an 80 looks so much better than a 79... but i pray to God that they will take my mark into consideration for scholarship entries... even though im almost certain they wont... and this isnt a situation where they will say.. well its only .2 percent off... because if they did that to everybody.. it would be a hassle.. so i know that their cutoff is 80, and thats what it has to be...

I have to learn to stop putting myself down so much. I tried hard, i tried REALLY hard.. and in my own heart, .2 percent is nothing to me.. i know that i have achieved what ive always made myself believe that I could not... and that is worth everything.. and that achievement is to get into university... and OH BABY... YORK HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!
With my eyes, and my mind wide open, i know that i can achieve anything i place my mind to... and how sweet it is! How sweet it is to achieve something that you thought you couldnt do!!! if the average cutoff for York is mid 70's then im in.. im so in... at least i hope!! lol

Anyway, tonight i will sleep well!! i will sleep without worries on my mind, without problems.. i will sleep peacefully, and ive so longed for it, and ive achieved it.

Goodnight world.

VDay

So its been a year since something happened, hehehe.... and today was absolutely great... everything went as planned for me...

I took the bus to the mall, to get my gift ready for PJ... the cd that i made for him, i needed to seal it. Once that was done, i went to go see if i could buy him a house coat.. but they were WAYYYYY to expensive... and way out of my budget. So i went to the comic book store, and i bought him a book that contained episodes 1 to 5 of Bear, which i had asked him if he liked Bear in my slyish sorta way. Last but not least, to top the VDay off, i bought him a CINNABON!!!!!!!! i mean how many boyfriends wouldnt want one of those? with EXTRA frosting!

So i sacrificed my own needs... and walked to his house in the pouring rain. I found out that he hadnt gone to school that day.. and when i arrived at his house at 4ish, he was still sleeping. I woke him up and gave him his gifts... and he absolutely loved them, im so glad he did. i thought the cd idea was kinda corny, but i put so much effort into it.

Earlier in the week i had also given him a picture sketch of me in a frame, and baked him heart shaped cookies!! which were SO good! yumm. all part of my VDay gift. Since he had fallen asleep, he forgot to plan or get me anything... i was a little hurt, but it really didnt matter to me. I just wanted to see his reaction when i gave him the gifts, and that was the best...

We went to the mall together later on to buy some chinese and eat it together, it was fun, and we had quite the interesting conversations lol.

we walked around, and i made him buy me bubble bath and a vanilla candle.. :P
Once we went back to his house, we had a bath together, with a candle. and it was the cutest and absolute most romantic event i've ever had. So my VDay was salvaged! lol...
He felt really bad about not buying me anything or planning anything, he just kept on this sad, and bad mood face... but i told him that if he keeps up the bad mood face, that it will ruin the rest of VDay, so he automatically changed expressions :D

the best part of the night... was when he said i was the best girlfriend in the world, and what i had done was so beautiful, and nobody has ever done anything like that for him... and im so glad that i was able to do something for him, that really shows the effort, and meaning of how much i love him.

Valentine's Day... It REALLY isnt much... i mean... yea its cute and everything.. but i believe you can show effection for the person you love, any day... not just a made up propaganda day... but in the end.. it was sooo cute. Love really is the most precious gift anybody can have... and for those who dont have it, their time will come, they just have to be patient. I truly believe the more someone wants to be in love, the more they will appreciate it once they have it.

I Love You PJ Mancuso. Always and Forever. <3

Productive Day.

I thought of him today. Like i do every minute of every day. Except this time i was looking at pictures... and oh how i missed him. I almost automatically felt so alone, so hurt... and so wanting him near me, that i realized a few seconds later that i was almost in tears. But just as the week had gone, i had to suck it up, and hold my own. Stand on my own two feet and overcome it; so i quickly picked a subject to talk about.

Other than that, i had a really productive day... i went to 4 job agenices, and to TD Canada to inquire on a visa, and also found some awesome lines of credit which i will probably take. So as for that, things are starting to look up.

Tomorrow i shall go on another job search with Sara. We'll see how that goes :P.
BTW, my mini project is done, and ready.

Out of the Blue.

Well, it's been three days, and i'm taking it quite well. Sometimes i just want to give in, but luckily my will power is getting pretty strong.
Im working on a mini project, in which this case, i wont mention on here for certain reasons. I went to work today, and it was alright, i guess. I started to feel really sick, and crampy, to the point where i thought i wouldnt be able to stand for a while, but i managed. I took the bus home, something i havent done in a pretty long time.
*sigh* I'm just in a depressed sorta mood, but cant quite explain it. Im being pretty vague on here but, i also dont feel like explaining anything. My life's a drama story, what can i say.

Goodnight.

On the road to recovery.

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

This song has inspired me in so many ways, and i have had time to think about many things in the past few days.
The truth is we've misplaced the passion we had for each other, the kind that we used to have, but we havent lost it forever. And we dont really appreciate each other like we used to.
I remember when i used to laugh at every single thing he said to me, or when we never fought about anything, we were careless, or when i felt all my problems could be solved by his embrace.
I havent thought of that in such a long time. We havent had a real deep conversation in a while either, or the ones that stay online for hours past midnight. Instead we've been getting on each other's nerves a lot, and not taking the time to realize and thank each other for being in each others lives. He was my angel... he IS my angel.. my angel without wings :) ...so where has it all gone?
LoL we couldnt keep our hands off of each other, or couldnt stop looking at each other... and i used to get this overwhelming warmth feeling all the time around him... but i havent changed my feelings for him, not one bit.. maybe we just got sidetracked, i mean that happens when we spend so much time with one person that we have no time to do anything else... i think its just cus you get so used to being around that one person, you dont have time to miss them, that you get smothered without noticing, without knowing that was ever possible.
I want those butterfly feelings back, i want the passion back, i want to look into his eyes and just fall for him all over again... and that is so possible.
I think we need to spend the time apart, thinking of the times, and things that make us so happy about each other, the things that are worth it...
We love each other, we say it, but now i just think we say it for custom, we're used to saying it, because we do mean it, its just, i dont think we actually think about it when we say it, like truly think and appreciate it.
And all of this can change. Maybe if we start over again... like pretend to get to know each other all over again, from the beginning... then maybe the passion will be there again too.
Where there is love, there is passion... we just have to rediscover it. Im not losing hope though, as bad as this may seem, us taking time apart. Its not something im particularily worried about, i look at it as: things will start reminding us of each other, and the longer we are apart, the more we'll miss each other... the stronger our passion and love will grow, and once we see each other, we'll be thankful.
And i think it will be a good thing that this semester im not in school, and we wont see each other as often, because then we will always have those few days in between to miss each other again... and i think thats such an important aspect.
Im not giving up... if i wanted to, i would have already, but i didnt, so im not going to, not now.. not ever really.
Love is hard, and it brings with it trials that must be overcome. These are tests, that we NEED in order to sustain our feelings, to keep realizing our love for one another. We mustn't give up. Never.

A Sleepless Night

I cried myself to sleep last night, wondering how the day had gone so wrong, so fast. I couldn't think of any words to comfort myself, I layed awake, listening to my own thoughts and the noises the somewhat silent house brought to me. I swear I had woken up well over 20 times, tossing around in my empty bed, searching as if someone should have been laying there beside me. Agony spread through me every time I woke up for 2 minutes, and every time I'd fallen back asleep, I'd continue the same nightmare from the 2 minutes prior, as if I had never woken up at all. What's worse, every time I woke up, I gasped for breath, then had to readjust to my environment again, I guess you could say I became disoriented, almost screaming out someone's name but I didn't know whose. I'd slowly lay my head back against my pillow, clenching it as if it were the only thing in this world that would comfort me, that would absorb all those mixed up tears.

I woke up around 10 am, again not able to sleep. This time, I had a headache and it wasn't going away. Knots in my stomach began to form, as if it had known something I did not. For the rest of the day, I did nothing special, just watched my movies and hoped that this aweful nervousness I had beared would go away... but it hasn't.

Another sleepless night, another set of horror filled dreams, another disoriented, clenched experience awaits...